Jumping out of my skin

I'm Late for Work Again For the past 5.5 out of 6 years of working, I have been late everyday. I'm a puctual person when it comes to things I care about and my job isn't one of them. Yesterday afternoon just as I'm about to go home at quiting time my boss decides to come to my desk.

Boss: "Help me stuff these envelopes."

Me: "Umm, I can't I'm going home now."

Boss: "No your not, your going to help me do this."

Me: "Sorry but I have an appointment I have to make and can't be late."

Boss: "FINE FINE, Do what you want, go ahead, Thanks for nothing!"

Me: "Have a nice night."

Now I don't appreciate being talked to like a child by my employer nor do I think I should be reprimanded for leaving at the time I am desnignated to leave. On top of which for a reason to do work that is not in my job description. The sad thing is that I have to swallow the shit, their is nothing I can do. Should I complain, to who? Human Resources is as corrupt as the White House. Should I quit? I can't, need money to live. Should I call the Labor Union? Who has the patience or resources to go thru with it. They have a team of lawyers, I have 1-800-lawers.

So what do you do when you feel like your whole world is slowly sinking around you? How much longer can I hold out before I have a breakthrough in my career IF such a thing happens. Am I kidding myself with this whole acting thing?

My mood has gone from angry to frustrated to becoming misrable and eating many many cheetos. I feel - completely devoid and numb of all emotion.

VOICE OVER AUDITION The reason I was adament about leaving is I wanted to make this audition that was really near to my house. It was for a cartoon series in the works called, "BALLS" about this guy who has talking eyeballs and a brain that thinks he knows it all.

I figured, its super cold, the audtion is in NJ, and no NY actor is going to be able to find this address. I walk into a PACKED room of people. Young, old, fat, skinny, quiet, and loud. I sat there thinking to myself as they recited famous TV and movie lines to eachother:

Me: I wonder how many people in here REALLY are actors who bust their ass. Do any of these people have jobs? How can their be this many damn actors!

I apologize to my fellow thespians for the above but being that I am desperate to survive it's just really frustrating to think their are all these people who aren't trained and are simply here to clog up the system, effectivly degrading any chances of getting a gig. I guess these people are just as unhappy as I am and like me, are reaching for something better.

I'm so mad I can't be mad anymore. Past the point of depression I can no longer cry. Knocked down so much I don't feel the pain. So tired I can't sleep. So dormant while I'm awake. My dreams forever illusive. My goals always unreachable.

I ask myself everyday, "How much longer can I keep this up?" For everyday I keep going I lose a little more of me, my soul gets washed away with injustice and my consious weakens under the pressure. I'm sure many performers go through something like this, what I don't know is how many of those dreams have been lost. You always hear about success stories, what about failure stories, Im sure their are many more of those.

Boy am I a bummer huh!

P.S. I'm not even going to bother to spell check this blog anymore, fuck it.