Laz on TELEMUNDO

Spanish Television

Last Friday I was invited to appear on Telemundo, only the biggest Spanish television network in the universe! I awoke at 5:30am, yes AM, and got myself ready in the darkness. I hoped on a bus to Times Square where I met my three colleagues for the ride back to New Jersey. That’s where the studios are located. It was snowing like mad outside but the streets were so peaceful at 6am . It was so early even the sun wasn’t awake yet and the only noise surrounding me was the sound of silence.

We arrived at the studios right on time and promptly entered. The place looks just like a corporate office but has a huge television studio smack in the middle. Three different sets sat next to each other. A news set, a green screen, and one was made up with Christmas décor with fake presents strategically placed everywhere. After a quick look around we made our way to the kitchen, that’s where we came upon a very expensive looking cappuccino machine. We immediately began making cappuccinos while wondering what in the hell we were going to do. You see, my producer failed to mention the fact that we had to fill about twelve minutes of air time and we had nothing prepared, not a thing.

Now we have an unprepared group of comedians hopped up on cappuccino attempting to brainstorm. No one wanted to leave the kitchen for fear of running out of this super coffee, so we sat and tried to think up a few skits. We had this great idea of mocking the news and concentrated our hyper energy into coming up with a quick scenario. After about an hour we had our concept and were ready to fly, needless to say some of us already on our third cup of cappuccino did fly. Bringing some cappuccino with us we waited in the green room and rehearsed our scenes in Spanish. After a short time the producer came in and asked us to join him in the studio where they were going to pre tape our appearance. We showed him what we had planned and then…he turned it down. He explained that they were the news and could not mock themselves, ah censorship. We stood there in shock and awe. Now we really have nothing and the camera is rolling. We quickly huddled, and in a chaotic mess of coffee bean energy we pulled from our bag of tricks four sketches in 2 minutes flat. Wow. We performed them one after another and slowly people who worked there, crew members, producers, and actors all began to crowd around the set, watching us perform. They began to laugh and applaud and by the time it was over everyone had a big smile on their face. One person shouted out, “Give us another one!” So we snuck in a quick promo for our show as silly as can be.

After hovering around a bit longer taking pictures we decided to leave but not before I made the mistake of referring to the station as channel 41, instead of 47. You see, channel 41 is their nemesis, their rival enemy, the station they want dead. DOH! It must have been the coffee talking.

LLEGAMOS Show Status

Two shows complete, only two to go. We’ve had a decent size audience and Coors has enjoyed our performances. It’s been weird, it’s been wacky, and it’s been fun. If you’re in the New York City area you should defiantly check out this show because it’s one of a kind.

Last Week in Yuppie Land

This is my last week working in corporate America. Like so many others before me I have been laid-off. People keep coming up to me offering me their apologies but for me this isn’t such a sad occasion. When you get laid off people look at you like you have some sort of rare incurable disease and some won’t speak to you for fear of it being contagious. I’m looking forward to some lazy days and have planned a trip to California in January. I’ve had to put some projects on hold because of these life changes but I’m sure I’ll come back to them at some point soon. Sometimes life makes you take a break even if you don’t want one, in this case, I want one.

Goodbye Richard Pryor The painting above was done by good friend and comedian Nestor Rodriguez.

A groundbreaking legend of comedy, Richard Pryor has passed away this weekend. I just wanted to acknowledge how much he inspired me as a kid to pursue comedy. He always had a way of telling us the truth and showing us how we can find humor in even the hardest of times. Thank You Richard Pryor for making us laugh and enriching the way we look at our lives.

IT’S SHOWTIME!

Performance Eve After many weeks of rehearsing for the show “LLEGAMOS LIVE” I’m proud to say….we are ready? Tomorrow night is our opening night and I’m a little bit nervous. I always get nervous before shows though, it’s a natural nervousness. Sure I wrote and directed this one and sure it’s being sponsored by Coors Light, a great tasting beer, and sure all the actors were constantly late to rehearsal and barely know their lines not to mention their blocking, let alone the fact that we haven’t gotten all the costumes in yet but hey…..I’m used to it. I can’t think of any show after my college career that I didn’t do in utter and complete chaos. In fact if this show were running too smoothly I’d be even more of a nervous wreck. If I’m not thrust into a show by the seat of my pants barely recognizing up from down in a wonderland like spiral of uncertainty, then something is wrong.

To the actors credit though, they got a lot of heart, they are extremely talented people and I know we are going to kill.

Smoker Spasms

So I’ve decided to try and give up smoking….again. I’m sure you’ve heard of the recent trend to ban smoking in every conceivable place including outdoors. If that’s not enough now they want to pass laws restricting you from lighting up in your own car. Ah, I remember a time way back when, a time when my step-father would take us to the movies and light up right their in his seat. I would be distracted by the silhouette of his after smoke rising high toward the projector choking the elderly on the balcony. A time when he would fire up in an airplane on the way to sunny California and his smoke would immediately silence small babies insistently crying in an aisle near by, a simpler time. Like the time he used his cigarette as a weapon against the homeless guy trying to clean his windshield in New York City, ah what a magical time.

What is happening to our society? Is individual health overshadowing the freedom to kill ourselves and the people in our direct vicinity? What’s next? Smokers will be hunted down, put in train cars, and whisked away to concentration camps. Smokers Camps! The government will stamp every smoker with his or her brand of cigarette. Camels, Parliament, and New Port Lights displayed prominently on your arm for everyone to see. People with the slightest cough will be hauled away never to be heard form again! Wow…I need a cigarette. So I’m trying to quit not for my own health but to become an under cover non-smoker.

At the Movies

This weekend I got around to seeing Jarhead at the AMC theatre in Times Square. First off, this movie theatre is ridiculously huge. After purchasing our tickets from a machine we had to go up five flights of stairs, hike up a path way, take a canoe by candelabra, and meet an aboriginal man who cut through a jungle with a machete after which we had to solve a Da Vinci code to find our theatre. Somewhere in between this dense maze I managed to stop at a concession stand where I purchased a small popcorn and bottle of water for only ten dollars and my first born child. We got there just in time…to see about a thousand movie previews. One movie preview after another, by the time the movie started it had come out on DVD. I could have made my own film in the time it took for this freakin movie to begin. I must admit, the chairs were comfy.

So the movie starts and to my dismay it wasn’t about a circus freak. It was about life as a marine in our modern military. I really hope the government doesn’t use this film to try and recruit people. It basically illustrated how utterly uncomfortable and pointless fighting a war would be. There were a few short sex scenes which enriched the movie somewhat. Not to many combat scenes, barely any blood, no unnecessary strings of violence all of which was disappointing but over all I did enjoy watching this movie because I thought to myself, “I’m glad I’m watching this movie and not living it.” So if you want to see a good war movie, rent Full Metal Jacket.

Halloween Hijinks

Boo Ya!

Hello my ghouls & gals it’s been over a month since my last confession and much has happened. First let me wish you all a Happy Halloween.

Speaking of death I’m getting laid off from my day job. Usually any sentence with the word laid in it is a good thing. They approached me and said, “Your position has been eliminated.” I pictured the terminator coming back from the future with a big machine gun going from office to office terminating the obsolete workers. Well I can’t say I’m too terribly upset about this, it’s been a long time coming and I’m actually not surprised. I’ve been waiting for it for quite a while and it’s time to go. I’ve been at my job for 8 long years and I couldn’t stay here forever. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. This job has been my second home for so long it’s going to be a little bit of a shock waking up in the morning with no place to go….wait what am I saying, like I’m going to wake up in the morning, more like the afternoon.

Another Nail in the Coffin

Not only did I get the news that my job will no longer exist but in that same week my land lady approached me, “I have some family moving in and I’m going to need your room….you will be eliminated.” Ok she didn’t say that last part but for a moment I wondered what invisible forces were running ramped through my life. So I’m being forced to once again pack it up and move it out like some nomad on yet another strange journey. Where will I end up next?

So since I have no money, no job, and no place to live I decided to do what any logical human being in my situation would do….take a vacation. I’ve decided to spend 2 weeks in sunny California. I’ll be visiting a little farming town where my aunt resides called Santa Maria. It’s the same town where the famous Neverland Ranch is located. I used to spend my summers there when I was a kid and have nothing but fond memories of the place. No, none have to do with Michael Jackson for the record. Oh how I remember the nights when my older cousin and I would walk the streets penniless occasionally committing misdemeanor crimes such as taunting the local K9’s with a bebe gun and setting off illegal firecrackers in the middle of the night. Good times. Well I shall be alone this time around; my cousin is now living in Jersey as a manager for a strip club, and is creating memories of his own now.

Run of the Living Dead

In the midst of moving out of my office and moving out of my house I’ve taken on a few projects before my vacation. Leave it to me to pile up the shit mountain. I finished off my run with the show “Abnormal Stew” last Friday to no attendance. Not one soul showed up. It was, to say the least a bitter sweet ending. We said our quick good byes to each other and to no hurrahs left it at that. I was proud of everyone for fulfilling their commitment to the show and sticking though it, even if no one witnessed it.

I got cast in a short film called “Latin Rewind”, directed by a young film maker who shows a lot of promise. Yesterday was my second shoot and everyone is quite pleasant to work with. It’s a film about a guy who can rewind time but by only two minutes, a trait I wished I possessed. I play a thug named Pako, the villain of this story who enjoys robbing and tormenting the weak. Sure you could say it’s a stereotypical Latino role but really I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn’t then why would I say I am.

Coming back from the dead is the show “LLEGAMOS” (We have arrived) at the Laugh Factory later this month. I was hired to write, direct, and act in this live show. It’s a lot of hats to wear but I’m up for it. It’s a sketch comedy show sponsored by Coors and we have a great cast. The other night I had to yell at my actors for being late to rehearsal, which was difficult because they are all friends who I’ve worked with side by side for many years but I’m not there to keep friends, I’m there to put on a hit show. Hopefully in the end they will see that as well. Other than that they are all doing an excellent job and we have some great comic minds collaborating together. Mostly everyone who worked on the T.V. version of the show is back along with some new faces.

Click Here for Tickets.

In other news I had to leave the Improv School show because of the recent string of events. It’s just too much on my plate right now but I did very much appreciate the great experience I had with them. I do wish them well and I’m sure their show will be fantastico!

Happy Haunting Laz

All Night Shoots

WEBSITE UPDATED

I've added some new videos to my website check em out under videos.

The DVD Shoot

A very good comedian friend of mine called me to ask if I was available to shoot a sketch that he wrote. He started his own production company and even got a distribution deal to produce his very own DVD series called The Victor Cruz Show. Of course I accepted the invitation and was very excited to work with him again. We have been working together for some years in the comedy club circuit as well as on the T.V. show LLEGAMOS on LTV.

Ghetto Central

The shoot began at 9pm, a night shoot, at in an apartment in Spanish Harlem. I arrived thirty minutes early and stood in front of the building looking very out of place. Although I am Spanish myself, the sketch called for me to play an announcer and so I already had my suit on and in that neighborhood I stuck out like a sore brown thumb. I smoked a cigarette to appear “tougher” and waited for the crew to arrive.

Super Zit

After 2 and a half cigarettes they finally arrived and up we went into the apartment building. While the crew was setting up I began to study my lines. It was challenging because I had mini-monologues through out the script and couldn’t seem to get the grammar down. On top of that I had this monster zit right on my nose, it was a super pimple. I went into the bathroom and began caking my zit with make-up and by the end of the process the hill now looked like a mountain. I now attempted to take focus off that part of my face by pasting on a Groucho like mustache that nearly covered my lips. The director almost rejected the mustache but after giving him a taste of my character he decided to keep it.

Can You Say PENDEJO?

The script was a commercial spoof for a product called “Pendejo Watchers”, for those of you whom are non Spanish speakers, Pendejo means pushover, chump, jackass, and pussy – whipped bitch boy all wrapped into one. It was about how men today let women walk all over them because they are too passive aggressive. In our efforts to please the modern woman we men have giving up being men for being life partners, it really is a sad state of affairs. I myself am traditionally modern and try to be a little bit of both. In the skit a man presents his girlfriend with 2 tickets to a concert and she takes it upon herself to invite her cousin Tita, leaving her man alone at home. At which point the announcer enters and gives the man a special “Pendejo Card” in order for him to keep track of all the times he became a chump. After accumulating a certain amount of “Pendejo Points” the man is now allowed to check the “Not this time Bitch” box and have his revenge.

TIME a TICKIN

After a few hours it dawned on me that after 1am on a week night the buses going back to New Jersey were few and far in between. This made me nervous, agitated and stressed out. I can’t be stuck in the city all night when I have to get to work by 8am the next morning. I implored my friend to get me wrapped up before 1am but by 12:45 I knew this wasn’t going to happen. After I voiced my concerns I felt childish and unprofessional after all I didn’t want to rush them and burn any bridges but what could I do. By 2am I had given up trying to go home and just accepted the fact that I may be stranded. Being in this state of mind I could not concentrate and so when my part came up I could not remember my lines for the life of me. It started to become a nightmare and I was embarrassed. Standing in front of the camera I pulled myself together and delivered the lines as best as I could to no avail. Finally I just started to improv the speech hitting the points as close as possible. Every one was tired but the director remained patient and I appreciated his attitude.

That’s a Wrap!

We finally finished by 3am and the crew offered to give me a ride all the way back to Jersey which saved me. After we loaded up the car we had a long ride back and all I did was think about how tired I would be the next morning. The things I do for my career. I wasn’t happy at all with my performance and wished I could have planned this night out better, oh well, live and learn I guess. To end the night when I got to my car I found a big fat ticket on my windshield to go along with my big fat pimple.

I got to my bed by 4am and just thanked God I was home and not in the middle of Time Square. I barely awoke 3 hours later and drove to work half asleep in a zombie state of mind.

A Comment on Comments

Recently I received a comment that someone from a nursing home that follows this blog passed away. While I did not know this person I was touched by the comment and needed to respond to it. Life is so precious and all we have in the end is our memories. I would like you to know that when I received this news I was very saddened and offer my condolences to her friends and family. I’m sure she was a beautiful person who was surrounded by friends. I can only hope that this blog provided them with a smile every once in a while. Thank you for being part of my life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Until next time God Bless.

Muggy Mayhem

The Summer of Laz

Summer is coming to a close and I still haven’t gone to the beach. I haven’t even splashed in a freakin pool. I was contemplating taking a shower in my swimming trunks. All that will change however, fore this Saturday I’m going to Mountain Creek Water Park! I cannot wait to thrust myself down a plastic tube at 90mph on a thin matt made of foam crashing blindly into a pool.

Back to Comedy School

I have been however working steadily. I recently got hired as an improver for this company called the Improv School. If you don’t know what an improver does I shall explain. An improver has no lines and has no clue what they are going to do or say before they perform, they simply make up a situation up on the spot. It’s just like that show on TV “Who’s Line is it Anyway” < ---good show. Anyway, this group performs for kids in schools around the tri-state area. Its teacher whom we will call “The Professor” has taught me quite a bit about this art form. He studied with the best teachers at Second City in Chicago and has been giving us a crash course on his style of performing. It’s been very insightful and has been quite challenging trying to prepare this for children. You have to be squeaky clean; there is no room for error here. All the actors that are involved are really solid actors and I feel comfortable around them. I thought I was a genius at comedy until I started training for kids, which bought me back to reality real quick. I haven’t done a show yet but I love kid audiences they are really attentive and have a great sense of imagination, I hope I can reach their level. Check out their website:

Abnormal Summer

Last week my latest show “Abnormal Stew” opened to a whopping 3 people at a tiny lil theatre space on 36th street. The experience was indeed abnormal. One of our fellow actors that we will call “DIVA” decided that after 2 months of rehearsals he was no longer going to be a part of the show. He cited the following reasons:

• Those actors aren’t working hard enough. They are unprofessional. • I am doing all the work with no help from anyone what so ever. • I should be the star of the show with my name prominently displayed in lights.

He voiced these concerns after our last rehearsal in which he became drunk and incoherent, disappearing into the bathroom, refusing to finish are one and only run thru with us. To top it off he left us high and dry with only a few days left until the next show. If that isn’t a pillar of professionalism I don’t know what is.

The 5 of us got together and hashed out a solution to our missing main character. Needless to say we pulled it off without a hitch. We actually ran a smooth show that was actually funny. It was tighter and everyone seemed to have more fun with it. To think all we needed to do was get rid of DIVA and his sub par infantile acting technique not to mention his nonsensical rambling style of writing. Come join us any Monday night, all the info is on my website:

www.JustLaz.com

Speaking of which I just revamped my website. Soon I will be adding video and lots of other cool stuff, so check it out.

VIVA AMERICA

A few weeks ago I appeared on a TV show called “Viva America”. I was invited to be their guest comedian for that week. Viva America is an English show about Latino’s in the industry of fashion, food, and the arts and airs on BET jazz every Saturday night at 10pm.

I got called in a day before the shoot, which was on a weekday so I had to take off of work. I can’t tell you how important it is to have a job that allows you such flexibility. I had to meet the camera crew at a restaurant in upper Manhattan called Bohio. It’s a Latin style restaurant (duh). The head chief is also the owner of this establishment. I walked in and immediately recognized one of the camera guys from the TV show LLEGAMOS that I did last year. We said our hellos and he then introduced me to the producer, she was very nice and thanked me for being there. They explained to me what I was to do and asked me to wait until they finished the current segment they were filming. They were to interview the head chief.

I quietly sat in the back watching the interview take place. They had set up a table full of some of his dishes and drinks. After the interview was over I was invited over to try out some of his delicacies. Let me tell you this food was awesome. I didn’t want to be rude and just dog the entire thing so I just took a small bite of each course to try it.

It took only 15 min to film all three of my segments. I had to tell 2 or 3 jokes in the span of 30 seconds or so. The hard part was trying to tell these jokes without an audience but I quickly adapted and conveyed my feelings to the camera as if it were a person. What a great experience.

COMMENTS UNKNOWN

Thanks to everyone who has left comments for me, they are much appreciated. However remember that when you leave a comment I do not know whom it is from because it is automatically anonymous. To those of you who wish to remain that way all the more power to you but to those people, who know me, please be sure to leave a name or I won’t know whom the comment is from. Thank you again – That is all.

Mid-Summer Adventures

GREETINGS CYBER LITERATES So two entries ago, I mean since all of you are following so intently, 2 entries ago I mentioned a play I got cast in. “Abnormal Stew”. Well it’s been a couple of months of rehearsal and I’m pleased to say that it has been quite the adventure indeed. The show opens in 22 days from today so there is still plenty more to come.

We rehearse twice a week in different locations around the city. I have gotten to know many spaces and found a whole world of performers in little rooms with pianos in them, singing their butts off, more rooms full of oddly shaped mirrors and strange carpets, huge rooms with endless ceilings high up on the 16th floor. Hallways of performers scurrying along, drinking their bottled water, having casually formal conversations about art and culture, nervous actors with scripts in their hands preparing the performance of their entire lives. It’s a vibrant universe of chaotic expression. I fit right in.

We have come a long way from the first draft of the script and now are well on our way to a full rounded show. Every show I do is different and this one….is no different. The best way to describe it is an absurd play. It’s full of grotesque wackiness and makes no apologies for it’s content. I must say it’s nice not to apologize. If you are not easily offended you will probably be offended. Not for the pregnant, infantile, or elderly. The main character is a perverted coked up sock monkey. What is a Sock Monkey you ask? Well, the important thing is that he’s coked up and perverted.

AND NOW A MOMENT WITH LAZ

This summer (so far) has been exciting but also difficult. I don’t really talk about my personal relationships here, I’m not really sure why. I think I’ve been closed up emotionally for a long time, by that I mean I haven’t been honest with others nor to myself. I put up a front, a fake representative of myself. I’ve been playing the part for so long that I forgot who I was. I’m being really vague. Ok…I’ve had a steady girlfriend for 3 years and just recently the relationship ended. There. I cared for her very deeply and because of that reason I had to let her go. It’s hard for me to really write any more details because it’s just difficult to speak about.

Laz, you ask, what does the above have to do with your comedy career? Well Chico, I’ll tell you. Comedy is an extension of who you are. What you do on stage should reflex your entire spectrum of being. ß--At this juncture I feel as though I speaking out of my ass, forgive me. I shall blog again when I can escape this horrid cloud of haze.

Confessions of an Impersonator

RED - WHITE - AND OLIVE

July 4th weekend, the official non-official start of the summer. Bar-B-Que’s a burning, kids screaming mainly because school is out for the summer, and old people come out into the sunlight.

CARNIVAL THRILLS This July 4th weekend I took my gal out to the Meadowlands Carnival. It’s the state fair and I try to go every year. I had called some college friends to come and join us and they met us at the gate. Although we didn’t hang out for long, they wanted to eat and with oh so much stuff to do at the carnival I wasn’t about to wait.

I remember one summer in high school I had a friend whose family were carnival folk and to avoid paying for rides I graciously volunteered myself to “help out” around the carnival so to speak. I was put in charge of the kiddy swing ride, not having any experience in the carnival arts whatsoever I thought starting out in charge of running a machine that propels little kids in a circle at high speeds was the perfect choice. After several hours of frolicking around the fair grounds I decided to give up rides. Not because I’ve had my fill but from witnessing the put together and taken apart of these rides. All I remember is thinking, “I was this close to death on this ride and that close to amputation on that ride.”

But this is the STATE fair after all, not a crumby town fair. Surely its inhabitants take better care of the rides. We went on one ride….once. The pirate ship. After that it was all the games you could afford. We played shooting games, tossing games, getting conned for 5 bucks games, it was great!

Around 10pm, after the pig races, don’t ask, we made our way over to the Hypnotist show. I love this show, I see it every year, well I get on stage almost every year and this year was no different. The hypnotist asked for a bunch of volunteer’s from the audience but I did not get picked so on to plan B. I pretended to get hypnotized in the audience, I hate to say pretended but there is no other word I can use. After he was dissatisfied with a few he had originally picked he had them sit back down, took one glance at me and called me up. I followed his instructions like a seasoned pro and soon it was a back and forth between myself and the hypnotist. I don’t know if he remembers me from all the years I’ve been on stage with him but even so, it feels like we have this unspoken relationship, consciously or subconsciously. The audience was about 1000 strong and I could feel their energy thru their laughter. At the finally the hypnotist posed one more challenge, “To the one I am touching right now, when I say the word tickets, you will run back up on stage and become the R&B star R. Kelly, and you will dance and perform to his song Yea-Yea”.

I went back to my seat and upon hearing my queue word; I was running on stage again and gave what felt like 5 minutes of dancing in front of a packed crowd, outside on a carnival summer night. It was invigorating. The rest of the night I felt like a celebrity as people approached me to ask me if that was real, if I remembered, and most importantly to tell me they had pissed in their pants watching me.

For me it was a temporary feeling of once again accomplishing something. Just listening to people scream and cheer with laughter reenergized me, even if it was out of context of my regular performances. Who cares, I still performed. How I long to have my own show with a crowd like that, then people would be yelling LAZ – LAZ!, instead of R.KELLY - R. KELLY!

Another one for the memories.

Happy 4th of July 05 Twice77

A REAL bummer

HELLO EVERYBODY! Photo by Zee

Well I’m not going to say it’s been awhile because it’s always awhile. I did receive some interesting comments from some blog readers out there. I can’t really verify that it was not a joke but apparently I’m in big hit in a retirement home somewhere in the U.S.A. What else can I say but, the ladies can’t get enough of THIS! I do want to thank everyone who has left comments for me; it’s always nice to know someone is paying attention, even if it’s mildly perverted and sexual.

One of the comments mentioned that they have been following my comedy career. Well it’s hardly a career. All I do is work my butt off and nothing pans out. It’s like I’m stuck in this parallel universe and I can see my goal but can never reach it.

WHAT I’M DOING NOW

At the moment I got cast in a comedic play with a group called Babyhippo productions. They are a family of entertainers who all met up in New York to write and stage a show called “Abnormal Stew”. It’s probably one of the wackiest projects I have ever been involved with. The family of actors are real cool, down to earth people that have a very similar sense of humor as I do. They are very open minded and don’t seem to feel threatened by others opinions and ideas, a very refreshing prospect. The last time I had so much fun was in college where the stakes where similar.

As Yoda might say: “Thinking a lot, I have been.” On the bus to the city the other night, looking out the window I stared at the New York City landscape. The view from the Jersey side is amazing. As the sun’s shadows fell upon the skyscrapers I thought, “I give my life to acting, to comedy, to my career.” Saying that made me feel better as if I really didn’t have a choice, it is my purpose, my destiny. I give it over to the theatre Gods, do what you will with me.

MELLONS OF THOUGHT ARRIVE

Today I don’t feel so nostalgic, I feel trapped as usual. Like a robot I sit here in my office and pick up the same phone to answer and solve the same problems. To be harassed by nasty unappreciated spoiled people who think the world revolves around them. As a result my health is finally catching up with me. I feel weak and sick. I’ve been to the doctors 3 times this month alone. The doctor implored me to cut down on my smoking; he says I’m too young to be having such problems. He asked if I’m under an unduly stress, I simply looked at him and smiled.

My body and soul plead with me to take a leap of faith and follow my dreams, but I thought I already was. I think I’ve been lying to myself about it, hoping I would get lucky and just be discovered on a Sunday night at a comedy club.

I work so hard and still feel like I haven’t achieved anything. My confidence now only exists in performance. My personal life suffers from utter lack of self esteem. I’m ashamed of who I am becoming. Watching a TV commercial the other day I almost wept with sadness, the commercial wasn’t even that good but my emotions are running high. I only look forward to performing to escape this monotony I’m stuck in. If I have nothing to do I sleep for 15 hours at a time.

Most others will confess to the same thing. Most others will say, “Well yea me too, what about me? I had dreams and had to let them go why shouldn’t you” I’ve never been one to listen to people but it’s true what they say. I can’t speak for them; all I can say is that I made all my choices with only once thing in mind, my career. There is nothing else for me. Now you may think, come on there is plenty you can do, don’t be such a wuss. Well I’ve tried to jump into web design with enthusiasm but I’ve realized that the only reason I’m into it at all is for the chance of being able to make more money to continue performing. I’ve noticed that I really do not have a choice and if I don’t do this I will never be me.

NOW - Now

I’m scared and don’t know which way I’m going. I feel like I have a blindfold on and I’m standing on a cliff. I went back and read some of my past entries, seems to be a pattern there. I’m a pessimistic optimist who’s introverted and hides using extroverted tendencies. Figure that one out. I’m vain and selfless all at the same time. Point is I’m stuck in a cycle that is making me increasing hopeless.

So what do I do? Do I quit my job, move back with poor mom and dad who can barely make ends meet and let them drive me crazy? Do I take off to LA by the seat of my pants and leave everyone I love behind for the sake of my own life? That last one has been tempting. Do I stay here, build a life, start a family and then resent them all for not following my own dreams? It wouldn’t matter much; if I stay where I am my health will eventually finish off my fate, how could I start a family then. I’m fading more quickly than before and yet I am am the strongest I have ever been in my art.

I'm scared to leave the people I love, I’m torn between their happiness and mine.

Final Thoughts

To my readers, I apologize if I have brought some of you down, but it’s important that this blog represent every side of my experience so that future hopefuls can educate themselves and perhaps save themselves from the same fate I am suffering. Don’t worry I will get back up again and again until I can no longer stand. I will make a choice soon and I will face my fears. If I don’t, I guess I will die trying.

Take care TwiCe77

Revenge of the Geek

ITS BEEN A WHILE......

So whats up, hows it going, how ya been, hows it hanging???? Me, I've been busy, I'm talkin, not enough time to do anything - which is probably a good definition for busy. Anyway, lots has happened since my last post...........actually not much has happened since my last post.

CAREER STATUS

I am now working alone from the office. The lady I used to work with got a promotion and took off and the company isn't going to bother to hire any one new. Hmmmm. Can you say - Pink Slip. I mean they havent said anything officially yet but I have a feeling they are gonna shut down this entire operation and move to another location. People have been leaving in droves. Everyday I hear of another round of layoffs or just people who have had it. Well I'm still here.

In terms of my acting career, havent done much lately. I do the occasional stand-up show here and there but nothing concreate. So what I decided to do was pull back a little on my strenous comedy career and take a break to learn web design. I mentioned in one of my last posts that I would be going to school for this. Well, Im two classes in and got one more to go. It's a good school and I've learned lots.

SIDE NOTE:I HATE FUCKING IDIOTS WHO CALL ME ASK ME A QUESTION AND THEN HANG UP ON ME CAUSE THEY ARENT SATISFIED< WELL FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!! (Laz is at work at the moment, please forgive him for the outburst, thank you. )DA ROOF WAS ON FIRE! Anyways, I started this post on April 8th and it is now the 12th.....I'm still working it out ok.

This weekend I did a show at the improv. It was for a cancer benefit. Baltazar from KTU was on hand as our host and the place was pretty packed. At first I didn't think I would be performing, which made me a bit purturbed as I have worked really hard to have some sort of respect as a comedian. Somehow comedian and respect shouldn't be in the same sentence. Alas at the last moment I was thrust on stage. I had a good set, I was a little rushed, but a good set non the less. It was good to see some of my comic friends and shoot the shit.

This film crew from the Roof was also their to interview the comics. Since I was a late addition they were not to cordual when it came to interviewing me. Gave me some cockymani excuse that they didn't have enough time, so I made some time for them ;)

So I'm outside the comedy club and I see the film crew set up for their last shot. My boss, the cancer benefit chairmen guy, some other dude, and the wacky host guy. It was very amusing watching this host be so fakely excited about our little cancer show. He reminded me of one of those 1950's game show hosts but with a degraded vocabulary and worse clothing. So I decide to stroll over and just get in the shot. I wasn't aware I was still smoking a cigerette when the production assistant said, "Umm sir can you put that out this is a cancer benefit." Well who knew! No one told me I couldnt smoke just because Im a sagitarious ;) I put out the cig and just stood their, behind everyone, just stareing into the camera with a really dum look on my face. I dunno what came over me. Perhaps it was the last straw, maybe it was the utter rage boiling inside me from years of career frustration.

When the host finally noticed me with this suttle look of shock on his face as if to say, "Who and where did this guy come from", but - he (someone) FINALLY acknowlegded me. Of course this wasn't enough to sustain my rage. He sticks the microphone in my face and says, "So how did you come to work for this group?" and I says, "Well, they found me in a subway about 5 years ago, I think it was the A...train."

Even though we were outside, after I said that, everyone seemed to be on pause with looks of disbeleif on their faces. Is he joking? Is he crazy? "Who the hell is this guy?

The host for a moment dropped the wacky act and it seemed as though he was stuck in which point I looked into the camera and said, "Visit Justlaz.com!" After my boss tossed me aside for making a cheap plug, I walked away with a feeling of accomplishment. If noone is going to notice me or my talents I shall then make them notice. Yea.....I still have a little of that rage left over. They did cut out my little outburst but I still managed to break into the last shot check it out at:

http://www.justlaz.com/videos.htm

PHASES

I'm growing tired of working for other people. I mean my day job, Im beyond tired and the comedy thing, managers, bookers and agents don't care so why should I. No no, I think now I am going to shift my focus to my own projects. I'm about to embark upon a journey of self expression. This may be my last chance to make a difference and realize my visions.

I've been quite meloncolly lately. In the past few months I've been happier than I've ever been in my life and as misrable as a person can get, all at the same time. I'm sure lots of people feel the same way. Like this blog my mind jumps from suject to suject and will not stay focused. I've had fleeting moments of concentration but I haven't been "In the moment" for quite some time now.

A STORY I've had many stories, sketches, songs and paradies floating in my head lately but without an outlet I'm just not creating anything complete. I have faith though, something in my blood is telling me a story is brewing and when it comes out - boy - oh boy - everyone better just WATCH OUT JACK!

It was nice to shoot some shit with ya's once again, take care and screw yourselves

THE K-9 FILES

SOME HISTORY

I rent a room in a basement of a house in which a family lives. They live upstairs. While I'd rather have a place of my own, the price is right and their is nothing like coming home to a home cooked meal.

Also living in this house is the family dog who goes by the name of "NICEY", I shall not reveal his last name to protect his identity. He is a cross between a Terrier and Shitzou therefore he barks while shitting. The following is an experiment in which I intend to discover the inner most workings as well as unlock the vast mystery involving man's best friend.

K-9 Experiement #1

NAME RECOGNITION

*Jan 09, 2005. 10:05pm

Upon entering the house I observed the subject in his crate either unaware or inadvertent of my presence. This I found odd, in my past experiences most dogs react to visitors by meeting them at the door.

Experiment: After calling his name several times while adding several variables of whistles subject appears to be unresponsive. However the animal did respond after the squeaking of his favorite squeaky toy.

Conclusion: Because of a deep seeded past subject is unmotivated by humans and has tendencies of violence toward squeaky toys.

K-9 Experiment #2

TUG OF WAR

*Jan 12th 6:07pm

I observed subject barking for several hours at a light fixture. This was strange considering the light was off and completely stagnant. After several family members yelled and screamed at subject to no avail I reached for the nearest squeaky toy for a response.

Experiment: A game of Tug of War to study it's effects on subject's reflective and cognitive skills.

Conclusion: Subject is extremely competitive using a series of growls as an intimidation tactic. However lacks the skills to realize his own stature and strength. Upon closer inspection subject bit me.

K-9 Experiment #3

DORMANT SLUMBER

*Jan 16th 2005. 11:54am

I observed subject sprawled out on the couch, belly exposed, with legs open pointed toward the ceiling. He appeared to be in a state of slumber and in REM sleep. I say this because his legs jolted periodically yet his eyes were closed as if he were dreaming of playing Tug of War.

Experiment: To study a sleeping animal's senses to it's outside environment. Upon approaching subject I found it strange that he remained motionless. Calling his name. Motionless. Yelling his name. Motionless. Dangling beef jerky, roast beef, and chicken cordon bleu. Completely MOTIONLESS. After much puzzlement, contemplating whether the beast had met his maker. I decided to investigate further.

Conclusion: Subject suddenly attacked and bit me again.

K-9 Experiment #4

Final Analysis

After many days of observing the behavior and habits of our subject Nicey, I have come to a startling conclusion. Nicey is not so nicey. I have also come to realize that over the course of this week it seems the dog is observing me for his own experiment. I came to this theory after finding a notebook entitled. "HUMANS - Intelligent or Not?" Under his doggy dish.

SKOOL DAY -DREAMS

Change is scary. It's as scary as sitting on your grandpa's lap when he has a hard on. I have decided to attempt a change in my life and go back to school, well, not school school. I'm not going back to college. I mean even though I only have one year left for my B.A. what the hell am I going to do with a degree in theatre. Sure you could argue that my college is 60% females, 2 females 4 every male, but I REALLY need to apply myself and land a better job. Not to say that I'm not happy in this wonderful corporate paradise that I find myself in now (< ----Saracasim) It's time for a change.

This evening I shall embark on an adventure to NYC and visit a career school. Thats what they call it. I want to inquire about taking a program to become a certified WebMaster. Yes, WebMaster. I don't know if I want to do this to have a better career or because being called a WebMaster will make me feel superior to others.

"Hello...I AM THE WEBMASTER....ALL BOW TO ME!!"

I think a little of both.

BLOODY SUNDAY.

I skipped out on my regular stand-up spot at the Laugh Factory this weekend because I wasn't feeling well and I looked even worse. For some strange reason I got a cyst (a huge pimple) right on the earlobe of my right ear. My assistant/roomate/doctor performed a mid-afternoon operation and sliced the intruder down the middle. No puss at all, just blood....lots and lots of blood. It wouldn't stop bleeding, even when he applied painful pressure on the wound. After about 10 minutes of bleeding I started to think that I may die. I can see the headlines now,

"Man bleeds to death from earlobe."

Eventually the flow of blood subsided and the pimple now had a healthy black color to it.

This weather just makes my skin crazy. Mother Nature has been indecisive. It's like 78 below zero in the morning and 60 degrees by afternoon. I read an article about some bears who have actually come out of hibernation thinking it was spring. Right now their is a bear out their somewhere going, "Fucking Alarm Clock!"

Laterzzzzz

Thursday the 13TH !!!!!

Hey all, or few, or one,

Today is a new day for a new year. I wonder how long your allowed to say Happy New Year to people, I mean when is the cut off point?

Me: "Happy NEW YEAR!!"

Stranger: "ummm It's July"

Anyhoot, I had a great New Years. I took my parents out to an Egyptian resturant called the Nile in North Bergen (in Jersey) and they loved it. We talking sexy Belly dancers, Hooka Smoke, and sexy Belly Dancers. It was fun. Dad thought he was high off the incense hooka but he was just drunk from the liqour.

FACTORY OF LAUGHS

At this point I haven't heard anything about LLEGAMOS, the T.V. show I did last year. Who knows if they will even bother to film a second season. Thats the thing about this business, you could be on top and feel like you making alot of progress but just like any other business, it could all change in an instant.

So back to sqaure one... sort of. At the moment I'm doing comedy at the Laugh Factory in Time Sqaure. This place used to be a strip joint and pretty much still looks like one now. Every Sunday, I stand at the front of the club barking - for you non-comedians -- barking is the art of passing out flyers and advertsing your shows. It really is a dog eat dog business. So I'm standing out there and men constantly come up to me asking me if this place is all nude, upon which I reply that our comics are probably crazy enough if asked. I guess once a strip joint always a strip joint even if the place has a big fat sign that says, "COMEDY CLUB".

The shows have been great though. Their is usually a good amount of audience and the space is really nice, we even have a dressing room. The ushers all have black suits and ear peices on, kinda like the Comic CIA or something. My father came one week and I was nervous as hell. This is the same dad that said, "You did ok" after I won both Championship 1st place awards when I was a teen in a Martial Arts state tournament, fighting against adults. Just like back then I gave it my all looking for no recognition other than his. I was up there for 17 mintues and on fire. It was probably the best set I ever had. Afterwards I walked him to his car upon which he commented - "That last girl comedian was the best one" hmmmm.

COMEDY POLITICS

Its important for me to talk about every aspect of my career as a performer because it may benefit some poor slob later on down the line. Ever since I hit the NYC scene about 3 years ago I've met quite alot of shady characters. Lots and lots of people who talk lots and lots of bullshit. People who have tried to suck the life out of me for their own personal gain. You've got to be careful in this business and here are some tips that I have found very helpful:

1. Don't be taken by promises of stardom if you do your just dom.
2. If you are going to sign a contract - read it first.
3. No one likes a brown noser, stand up for yourself, you are human to.
4. Never get involved in He said She said conversations.
5. If your feelings are hurt, don't show it, always ALWAYS stay professional.
6. If it's to good to be true, it probably, no IT IS.
7. Know yourself, Trust yourself, and Noone else.

I always try to stay professional but not everyone deals this way and it's easy to get caught up in the bullshit. It's a small business and everyone talks about everyone so don't worry about that just practice, be prepared for anything, and consentrate on your work after all it's a job like anything else. What a lot of Artists don't realzie is that they are the product and selling the product is the bottom line. Most casting directors prefer realibility over actual raw talent. Know the industry as much as you know the part.

FREDDIE PRINZE GETS A STAR

Not many people of my generation remember Freddie Prinze Sr (Freddie Prinze Jr's Father) He was a brilliant and exeptional comedian/actor who played Chico in the hit show Chico and the Man. Well Freddie FINALLY got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. On top of that he offically recieved the star on my Birthday, December 14th < ---(in case you want to buy me a present) Thats was the best Birthday present I could ask for, much thankx to George Lopez for nominating Freddie and getting the ball rolling. The DVD box set of Chico and the Man should be coming out very soon, so if you've never seen it I suggest you pick up a copy, you will be plensently surprised.

UNCERTAIN FUTURE?!?!?!?!

At the moment I am at a crossroads. Which way to I go? How will I get there? Where am I going? I dunno, not a fucking clue. I do know that this is the only thing I can do so if I never make it, I will most certainly die trying. If you noticed my last entry I was a little down on myself. Well sometimes it's healthy to be, sometimes you just need to be depressed in order to be happy. The important thing is to get back up and keep going. Last year I had a good year and this year will be better.

I have an actor friend who is in the union, has had a good deal of success in national Tv commercials, Films, hit cable shows on HBO and still he is struggling to pay the rent. Everyday he hasn't "made it" is a tough day. An extremly talented indivdual who is way funnier than most jerks I see on T.V. But still he struggles. Why? Actors are very brave individuals not only in getting up on a stage in front of strangers but also by the day to day battle to get to that stage. Sometimes I don't know whats harder, performing or hustling to perform. I don't really have the answers. What I do have is this lifestyle, this choice, this adventure and I wouldn't trade it for all the cockerspanials in Spain.

My sense is that if you do get up on that stage or that camera, whether in front of 2 or 2000 people, you've most certainly "made it".

See ya on the other side

TwiCe

Jumping out of my skin

I'm Late for Work Again For the past 5.5 out of 6 years of working, I have been late everyday. I'm a puctual person when it comes to things I care about and my job isn't one of them. Yesterday afternoon just as I'm about to go home at quiting time my boss decides to come to my desk.

Boss: "Help me stuff these envelopes."

Me: "Umm, I can't I'm going home now."

Boss: "No your not, your going to help me do this."

Me: "Sorry but I have an appointment I have to make and can't be late."

Boss: "FINE FINE, Do what you want, go ahead, Thanks for nothing!"

Me: "Have a nice night."

Now I don't appreciate being talked to like a child by my employer nor do I think I should be reprimanded for leaving at the time I am desnignated to leave. On top of which for a reason to do work that is not in my job description. The sad thing is that I have to swallow the shit, their is nothing I can do. Should I complain, to who? Human Resources is as corrupt as the White House. Should I quit? I can't, need money to live. Should I call the Labor Union? Who has the patience or resources to go thru with it. They have a team of lawyers, I have 1-800-lawers.

So what do you do when you feel like your whole world is slowly sinking around you? How much longer can I hold out before I have a breakthrough in my career IF such a thing happens. Am I kidding myself with this whole acting thing?

My mood has gone from angry to frustrated to becoming misrable and eating many many cheetos. I feel - completely devoid and numb of all emotion.

VOICE OVER AUDITION The reason I was adament about leaving is I wanted to make this audition that was really near to my house. It was for a cartoon series in the works called, "BALLS" about this guy who has talking eyeballs and a brain that thinks he knows it all.

I figured, its super cold, the audtion is in NJ, and no NY actor is going to be able to find this address. I walk into a PACKED room of people. Young, old, fat, skinny, quiet, and loud. I sat there thinking to myself as they recited famous TV and movie lines to eachother:

Me: I wonder how many people in here REALLY are actors who bust their ass. Do any of these people have jobs? How can their be this many damn actors!

I apologize to my fellow thespians for the above but being that I am desperate to survive it's just really frustrating to think their are all these people who aren't trained and are simply here to clog up the system, effectivly degrading any chances of getting a gig. I guess these people are just as unhappy as I am and like me, are reaching for something better.

I'm so mad I can't be mad anymore. Past the point of depression I can no longer cry. Knocked down so much I don't feel the pain. So tired I can't sleep. So dormant while I'm awake. My dreams forever illusive. My goals always unreachable.

I ask myself everyday, "How much longer can I keep this up?" For everyday I keep going I lose a little more of me, my soul gets washed away with injustice and my consious weakens under the pressure. I'm sure many performers go through something like this, what I don't know is how many of those dreams have been lost. You always hear about success stories, what about failure stories, Im sure their are many more of those.

Boy am I a bummer huh!

P.S. I'm not even going to bother to spell check this blog anymore, fuck it.

Laugh Factory Live

Much to be said for these past couple weeks.

ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER

I've been attempting to relax since the wrap of the T.V. show but alas it was a short lived break. The producers called me to say that we had secured a gig at the brand new Laugh Factory Comedy Club right in Time Sqaure. We are to perform a live version of our T.V. show using our best sketches. We even hired a director for this endeavor which I was most excited about. Finally we were going to really rehearse these skits and perfect the moments within them.

Upon meeting the director I was impressed with the way he entered the room and by the way he bluntly spoke. A familiar feeling came over me and I was reminded of my days in college, studying theatre. The discipline, the technique, the feeling of accomplishment after putting in hours upon hours of rehearsal. Finally we were going to experience that and that is exactly what we needed.

As the rehearsal wore on, my feeling changed to that of uncertainty. Sure this director seemed to know what he was doing, sure he had some good ideas, but I didn't feel that he was going to connect with this group. This crew composed of New York City Comics who are used to being comedians and adhere by that art form. There is a big difference between actors and comics, the actor works with other actors while the comic works alone. So what we needed to do is learn how to work with each other while maintaining a consistency of performance.

I have worked with many directors, some amazing, some not so amazing, and some downright awful. However I could not nor still can not arrive at a definite opinion as to whether this director is working for us. One thing that really bothered me was the fact that he decided not to read the scripts. I have never encountered that before, to quote him; "I don't read comedy, I see it". What I don't understand is without reading the script how is a director supposed to know what moments are lacking. A script is your map and to me thats like an actor saying, I don't read the script I act it. On the other hand I have picked up a lot of good notes from him and he does seem to care about our vision. His job is made harder due to the fact that the executive producer is also an actor in the show, not to mention the fact that we are all loud ass Latinos and he is nice Jewish white guy. Although I saw this as an advantage because we want to reach the masses not just the minorities, also I somehow feel safer when it comes to business, hey call it stereotyping but Jews are excellent business people...

SIDE NOTE:

I don't see race becasue I am color blind

CONTINUED...

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that he has a tendency to flirt with the two girls of our troupe. Granted they are very lovely and attractive, hard for any man to ignore, however as a director I don't think flirting is appropriate, it singles out the actress in a room full of men and makes her uncomfortable. I try my best to treat them with equal respect with all the testosterone in the room. Lastly I must say I have learned alot from this director even though I'm still 50/50 whether he is a good match for our troupe. Well with the show opening Sunday, we'll soon find out won't we.

CRISIS WRAPPED IN PARADOX

I'm sure most performers will agree that it's a very hard life with many sacrifices but sometimes you wonder if your not giving up to much of your life. My job for example, I hate it here. For six years I have endured and suffered sitting in one place, burning my corneas from stareing into a computer screen all day. I do it for my career. If I cannot support myself as an actor so I must support myself to become one. Now my company has been sold and who knows if I'll have a job next month. At least their is no arguement about job security, nowadays you can study for years and still lose your job to India. You can't outsource entertainment.

My family and friends have been sacrificed. Holidays are usually the busiest time for a performer because everyone else is on vacation and people go out to be entertained therefore I have missed many a family gathering. Friends don't seem to understand all that well that I am perpetually busy and after a time we start to lose contact. I am used to goodbyes and am not sentimental about it I just wish you could have all your friends around you forever. Ok I'm sentimental. I am glad to have a select few who do understand and support me which will make it easy for me to decide who comes to the mansion when I get one of course.

SICKNESS INSIDE

My dad has been sick for some time now and I'm really worried. This man has been there for me through think and thin even though he was a weekend dad. He never failed to help me even if he was sometimes a little tough about it. When I was a kid I remember how he was. A charming introverted person with a good head on his shoulders. A hard worker, a man of morals and values who never had any vices. So now he is sick, a mental and emotional reck. My Father that I highly respected who never talked about his feeling is suddenly pouring his heart out to me. In these past few months on the few occasions that I have encounted him, it seems like he is expressing all the feelings he forgot to express through out his entire life. So I sit and listen. Listen as best as I can with a sad relief. I'm wondering what to say or not say. Scared of this new person who seems so unstable and yet grateful for seeing his emotions finally revealed.

Not much more I can say...

Don't Change that Channel!

TodaY's DaY: Today I decided to come back on and update this blog. I admit I have been lazy but with good reason. I'm on vacation. Granted I'm at my day job right now, suffering like a slave at the hands of the yuppies but since I finished the first season of LLEGAMOS, I no longer have to stay up half the night writing. So just working during the day is a vacation.

Also lots of exciting, semi-exciting, and utterly mundane things have happened in the past month that I felt best be described in a summarized fashion instead of giving you every last detail of my existence leaving nothing to the imagination.

I came on and noticed 38 hits on this blog. Subtract myself and I got 28 hits on this blog, 20 of which is probably my girlfriend, HI BABY! That leaves 8 people or 1 person who looked 8 times. In any case I find the prospect of strange human beings from far away lands enjoying my writing to be orgasmic.

LLEGAMOS - Episode Wrap After 12 weeks of craziness I can't believe it's over, its finally over. I loved working on the show but damn did I need a break. The last show called for 3 new skits, 1 filmed and 2 live. Well it seems that my colleagues have enjoyed my work and so I was commissioned to write all 3. This being the last show I felt some pressure, giving them something that would top every other sketch of the season and take us out with a big bang was quite a challenge. Thank goodness I wrote a sketch weeks ago on a whim while watching TV. I was inspired by a show called, "Pimp my Ride", on TLC or Discovery or one of those educational/reality networks. So I wrote a sketch called, "Pimpea Mi Coche". A more hoodlum point of view as to how they would hook up a stolen car.

Pimpin Through the Nite This shoot called for us to rent out a car garage in the Bronx which was very appropriate. We all got a jumpsuit with our respective character names on them and immediately I felt the atmosphere of the sketch come alive. It was a night shoot so we began in the early evening with our producer warning us that we refrain from dilly-dallying or we would be stuck filming all night. "I don't want to be here till 3am, you all got that!", he demanded with all of us agreeing.

2:45am rolls around and we only have one shot left. Unfortunately they saved the hardest for last. Not a moment to soon either because one by one our lights began to pop and die. The garage was already freezing from lack of a heater but this last shot had to be done outside. The script called for the two main hoodlums to walk down the block while introducing the show. We stood outside shivering while production readied it's equipment. The two of us, wearing only these light jumpsuits would uncontrollably shiver until action was called, then we would walk and talk as naturally as we possibly could. The director would yell "CUT!", and again the shivering would return as if some magic spell came over us. We finished at 3:15am.

MY LAST LEG Tuesday night of the 16th of November 2004 was the season finale of LLEGAMOS. I was excited, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. Standing there, looking at the crew setting up I was trying to reassure myself of the skit I had envisioned on the stage. Was it really a good idea or was this last idea fueled by a desperate and sleep deprived mind? It was a simple pantomime, a day dream I had.

The sketch told the story of a wondering bum arriving at a bench in which he transforms into his sleeping quarters for the night. As he collects his blankets or news papers a young couple strolls lovingly into the scene. They seem to have a special bond with the old bench and decide to sit and reminisce. The rest of the piece consists of the battle that ensues between the couple and the bum over the bench, a fight, a wedding proposal, and an embarrassing conclusion all tied to a heartfelt song. The themes I tried to hit are love and social satire. That no matter where you are on the social ladder we are all still equally human beings. All the bum wants to do is go to sleep which ironically paralleled my own wishes. Art imitating life.

Back in the dimly lit comedy club, I still stood day dreaming of the outcomes of failure. I had little confidence because we had barely rehearsed a sketch that required timing movements to music in order to finish in synch with the song.

Time seemed to melt away and show time was approaching. Sitting in the make-up chair the artist working on me commented, "You are looking paler than usual, we are going to have to cover up those black circles under your eyes." After he caked a bunch of make-up on me I looked in the mirror and stared at person I have never seen before. The make-up just made me look dead. I was supposed to be a news anchor.....oh well I guess that makes sense.

As the audience was ushered in I paced back and forth vigorously going over my script. For the life of me I could not remember my character's name, you would think the fact that I penned it myself would help but it was as if someone else wrote it and with ill intent toward me. I was past the point of delirium and didn't know how much longer I could keep it together before I tore off all my clothes and began making animal mating calls. "This is the last show, one more and it's over", I kept telling myself. Nervous as I was I didn't notice that the room had filled to audience capacity and their was standing room only.

THE HOUR OF PERFORMANCE Some how, some way I ended up placed on stage sitting at a desk with my back to the audience. I was waiting for my cue. I started to sweat and wanted to cough. "Just anxiety." I thought, and at this point I conjured every last ounce of energy I had left in my body and turned the comedy switch to ON. There is my cue.

That was the last thing I remember, I let my mouth do all the work while my mind was lost. I remember laughter, loud laughter and then it was over. I had gotten through it without a hitch and had no clue how.

I went upstairs to smoke a quick cigarette before going back to wardrobe to change out of a nice suit into a worn out bum get up. I thought for a brief moment that this may be a metaphor for how I may end up in my career. Leave it to me to think in such extremes. Everything and everyone was in place, the lights were dark and the music began. Oh this sweet- sweet music threw me into a dream, the dream. My energy and nerves were irrelevant now. All I could think of was nothing. I was blank. I was the song. The lights came up and I was pulled by some invisible force through the sketch. The notes of the music carried me as the melody called to me. Again I remember the laughter and I also recall what seemed like every member of the audience breathe in deeply in reaction to the story. They were taken, the music was affecting and filling up the entire room with the telling of the story. It was working. The last most important moment was met with perfect timing and the people got it. The lights dimmed down to applauds.

A big whiff of relief circulated throughout my being and I realized I had just crossed a personal cross roads. My little day dream had translated into the real world and briefly it had lived on it's own. I thanked the theatre Gods and was reminded of a personal quote that keeps me strong, "As long as I have my dreams, I shall never fall asleep"......Then I collapsed.

QUICK SUM Oh yea, ThanksGiving dinner was great, I saw my lil brother, and I got into a big fight with my girlfriend because I have personal relationship issues stemming from a turbulent past.

Until the next moment.......Stay awake!

Back to the Blogging

PLAYING CATCH UP
When I last left you....I can't even remember where I last left off it's been so long. A long, busy, painful, 7 day a week 22 hour a day nightmare wrapped in an enigma of timelessness due to sleep deprivation. Working a 8-5 office job by day and then going to work on a T.v. show by night, with no rest in between is enough to make me cry, not from sadness but pain of keeping my eyes open. I love doing the show and hate my job. I get paid to little for doing a lot on the show and get to much pay for doing nothing at work. A paradox, the story of my life.

EL SHOW
Somehow 3 writers, VC, GT, and myself, have managed to write an hour talk show/sketch comedy show week after week for 12 weeks. Looking back it seems unreal. Not to mention the incredible work of our boss. Let's call him Gordo. Gordo is the executive producer of our show and he never seems to surprise me. Whether it be that he is one of the few people on earth who actually says something and means it. The type of person who doesn't try to be someone else and isn't afraid of speaking his mind. An excellent salesmen spirit and a genuinely good person. He also has his finer points in which I feel is important to list here:

*Will eat your food if left unattended, after apologizing may accidentally belch in your face.
*Will bring up various interesting topics such as; Farting, Tongue to Anal techniques, Anything involving an amputee and a big black rubber dildo, German porn, Any porn, Sex of any kind including fetishes in graphic detail while in public.
*Has loud deep resonating voice which is unmistakable in a library.
*Can become naked at any moment
*May attempt to hump things including humans, machinery, and inanimate objects
*Will use racial slurs in casual settings

NEARLY DONE
These last few weeks have just been crazy. With only 2 episodes left to shoot I'm looking forward to a break, although from what I can gather from our meeting yesterday their is a lot to do for next season. My only hope is that they give me more money so I can leave this gut wrenching hell hole I call my day job.

CRYPTIC MESSAGE
On election day I was on a bus going toward the city on a road that has a full view of New York City from across the Hudson. Looking from my window, it was a clear day when suddenly I could not help but notice two twin propeller planes following each other. They looked something out of world war II and they each carried a banner waving behind them. The first banner read: "Hiding your motives is despicable" The second banner, "You will live the surprise result of an old plan". After arriving at Port Authority I thought about that this cryptic message as I walked toward the comedy club that night.

*What does it mean? Why was it so cryptic? It had to have some importance being that it was on election day. It reminded me of something I've read before and I got a bad feeling in my stomach. An old plan? Well the "plan" in Orwells book 1984 states the 3 super powers of the world are in a voluntary perpetual war to keep all of us in line. We are always kept in the dark and afraid of "Them", or "Communists" or "Terrorists" to keep us blind with fear. We never have our own thoughts, the government thinks for us. We never deviate or question our country. We always have someone to hate and most importantly, we are always at war. Ring a bell? Looks a lot like the world today. Someone very wise once said, "Those who do not know history, are doomed to repeat it". Then again, that was my first thought for an answer and I could be wrong.

BUSH WINS
The majority of the minorities helped vote Bush into office again, the Hispanic vote. I myself am of this culture and proud of it but consider myself an independent when it comes to politics, of independent thought and opinion. My fellow people however are very much republicans and very religious. It is beyond me how they can be so "Right", most of us are piss poor and we all know how dearly the upper class care for us. I do understand their deep religious roots, being spiritual myself, I understand how important it was in my upbringing, however, when I also took the time to research and read other opinions from across the board to finally come up with one I think is a logically plausible solution to a way of looking at things, I discovered plenty of blatant disregard for civil liberties under this so called president. This administration knew what card to play and they played it very well. Taking advantage of a people who actually believe the president cares about them. I feel sorry for my country.

*It's a Television nation and TV dictates our views our believes, and even our morality. No one takes the time to educate themselves. Schools across the country are plagued by an attitude that education should be rigid. Controlled. Subjected to unbelievable scrutiny. Bullies are being arrested and charged with, "Making a terroristic threat". I actually think "Terroristic" is a new word! Text books being burned and remade to fit our ideal of history up to this point at this moment when it will change again at any moment so be ready to forget everything you just learned prepared to believe an entirely new fact.

*It is up to the individual to educate themselves and because their is such a lack of that in this country our rights will be taken from us, right by right and right from under us.
When did we decide to become sheep? Throughout the 1980's America had the individualistic attitude. You couldn't tell us what to do we were the leaders of our own lives. Now we are scared sheep being barked at by the prairie dog and corralled all about the farm. There is no place like, Homeland Security.

POLITICAL SICKNESS
I'm sure all of you are all now draining from this past election. I can't remember another time when this country has been so taken in by double speak. I'm pretty much done with all of it myself. I can not wait until the stale cold air of this political atmosphere lifts. The last thing I am going to say on the subject is, we are now all responsible for the mess this president will cause, let's hope he doesn't push us into a World War III.

JOBLESS DREAMS
I have reached the boiling point of patience at my job. No human being should be subjected to such slavery. I'm in the process of searching for a part time job. Hopefully I can find something that will be stressless while allowing enough income for survival. I am making a list of "People who are assholes" to present at the academy awards when I win the Oscar. Oh yes they will get theirs.

CLIFF HANGING
To culminate this update, I want to say that I feel like Willie Coyote chasing after the all illusive Road Runner. Just before I catch him, I fall off a freakin cliff.

Until next time ----------CRASH!

When the going gets tough, I get a fever

Well hello there you wondrous cyber freaks.

TUESDAY NIGHT SHOW
I've have much to share with you. It was a very difficult week for me on account of my sickness. Let's start with what happened with our show on Tuesday night. A certain club owner let's call him Scrooge, double booked another show in our space and we were forced to a smaller yet intimate room upstairs. Problem was we didn't have any kind of audience. Partly because the stupid show downstairs took our people and also the fact we didn't advertise on such short notice. So we were forced to cancel. We did use the time to have a rather fervent production meeting. At this point the stakes have been raised and emotions are running high due to the incredible amount of stress everyone is facing. In my opinion we need to deflate ourselves a little and step back to realize the bigger picture. We are on a small budget on a very little known cable station. Let's make the best with the tools we have and secure a 2nd season. Remaining professional in the face of adversity separates the men from the boys.

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES
The rest of the week I became progressively sicker. Since I do not get enough time to rest and recuperate myself, it takes me that much longer to heal. I napped every chance I got and did my best not to faint at work.

On Wednesday I was a participant in a series of near death experiences. Feeling as I did, I spent a greater part of my day in the bathroom at work. To reach my desk you must cross through a giant glass door which can only be opened with an ID that releases a magnet. As I opened this door a brick sized piece of metal with the magnet inside became loose and propelled itself toward me, nearly clocking me in the noggin. It passed so close to my face in fact, I felt the wind of it push me back. I looked down at this killer and thought to myself, "Workmen's Comp", and picked up the piece. I could have easily claimed I was hit and very well could have owned this company never working again but something told me to remain honest. Call it a weakness or even my own disillusion but I believe in order for a person to truly be successful he or she must earn it, fair and square. Sure, maybe I could have scammed the company out of a few thousand dollars but at what cost to me? This incident could have sparked a cause and effect scenario of doctor's appointments, lawyer scrutiny, and a tyranny of paper work all of which I have no time for. As much as I hate the yuppies I will beat them on my own terms and keep my conscious clean, which is more than I can say for them.

That same evening in the car, I kept thinking how lucky I was. I could have really been hurt maybe worse. I'd rather be a poor healthy man than a rich vegetable, I thought. I turn onto the highway and it is packed with slow moving cars as usual. For some reason I decided to switch lanes and sail home on that lane. Just as I put on my signal and began to move, a car on my right smashes into the vehicle in front of him causing that vehicle to lose control and swerve, smack into the lane I had just been driving in. It was so close I heard a crunching sound and witnessed the entire thing. Had I not switched at that exact moment in time, I would have surely been a part of that collision. I was the last car out as all of the traffic stopped and all I remember is looking in the rear view mirror and spotting a Mack truck driving directly behind the position I was in originally. The rest of the way home I was extremely cautious of my surroundings. When I arrived home I tried to avoid any unnecessary movement.

THURSDAY NIGHT FILMING
On Thursday I arrived to work predictably late. I sat down and tried my best to stay awake. My co-worker gave me one look and said, "You look terrible". I thanked her and continued to sweat it out, literally, I was profuse with perspiration. My colleague requested I go home, not over concern for my health, but for hers. I agreed I was terribly sick because I began to see a tunnel of white light appear every couple of minutes but I hesitated. The boss is already angry at me for taking an average of 1 day a week in sick time. She also nearly caught me coming in over an hour late but couldn't disprove my story of being in the bathroom. Finally my co-worker went upstairs and soon I got a call from the boss in a very concerned voice say, "Listen, people are telling me you have a fever and are sweating, just go home". So I did.

I caught up on some sleep and got up near night fall. I packed up my stuff and off I went to the big apple to film a new sketch I wrote called, "Latino News, News with SALSA!". I met everyone at the LTV studios in Manhattan. Its a quaint little building in which I got lost. After opening many doors and going down strange corridors, I found my way by following the sound of voices. The shoot went pretty smoothly. I played a news anchor and a lovely young actress named Elizabeth played my co-anchor. I was impressed with her inflection of voice, it really sounded like a news caster. What great fun it was to see all my characters come to life. I'm really proud of this particular sketch because it is not only silly but witty, the characters wacky and three dimensional. For a while I even forgot I was deathly ill.

I feel a world better today. It's Friday, I got a pay check, and have most of the weekend off. Sunday we have our comedy show and I'm looking forward to it but that adventure will be discussed soon enough.

Until Next Time - from everyone at Latino News - Gracias and Good night!

Where am I?

It seems an eternity has passed me by since my last post. This weekend I finally got some time off for myself and so my body decided it would be a most opportune time to get sick. I came home from work and crashed fully clothed on my bed at 6pm. I didn't regain consciousness until Saturday at 12 noon. At least I got a lot done in my dream world. It took me at least 3 hours to snap out of my post-slumber zombie state.

As sick as I was I still wanted to hang out with the girlfriend. She came over that afternoon and we spend the rest of the night listening to music over some conversation. The comedy life doesn't allow much time for relationships, even so I think it is of up most importance to try to maintain a fully balanced life, no matter how unstable it may become. I mean if you don't at least try to have a life outside of comedy then how can a comic share any other experiences beside hanging out at comedy clubs. Anyway, she bought me a new chair, a director's chair with my nickname on the back. It's very nice, now if I can only score a gig as a director. I also feel a little guilty about taking gifts out of gift season. Is she trying to buy some snuggle time? hmmm.

Relationships in general are hard enough. I seem incapable of truly loving someone. I guess their are still a lot of internal issues I need to work on before I can fully trust someone else. Perhaps that is why I seek out attention. My entire life has been a game of adaptation beginning with being a total outcast and getting rughed up over it. To avoid being the center of a gang's attention, I join them instead. If ya can't beat them, observe, adapt, and take the whole thing over I always say. I constantly floated from one group to the next, hoping to fit in and making it such a personal mission that I forgot who I was. Ever feel alone surrounded by people?

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

After spending so much time in bed I was kinda, and I stress KINDA, happy to go to the writers meeting. I put my foot down and announced that since I was in poor health I would take my leave at the end of our meeting and not perform in the night's show.

8pm rolls around and I'm standing outside sniffling while I waited for the show to start. I was to go up 2nd. The audience was small, didn't bother me. The first row was full, of a group of tourists from East Asia who spoke little to no English. All together in one group of friends. They were the most reserved, timid, non emotional audience members. Comic after comic went up to silence. A few giggles here and their but silence for the most part. I'm pretty sure they didn't understood English by the lack of reaction. I seem to have a love-hate relationship with audiences. Either they love me or I hate them. Problem is when I get pissed off at the audience, I tend to.. umm....how can I put this gently....I tend to berate, bash, and generally insult them. A slight kink I must fix. I remember the last time I got heckled by a drunk girl in which my response was, "What's wrong with you, your pretty, I'd fuck you".

Well by the middle of the set some of my comic buddies where laughing at the sight of me desperately searching for the red light to come on. I compared making love to preparing pork fried rice and attempted Chinese sign language. Not a very smart route to go on my part. Honestly though, I don't see race, I just see whats funny. I'm totally oblivious to the fact that anyone is black or white, in fact I'm color blind. I was just looking, reaching for some common denominator that could bring us together to laugh, but they held strong and nothing! I had a theory that they may have gotten together before the show and all agreed that it would be funny to go to a comedy club and not laugh.

Now as coughed out a lung I had to stay for the 2nd show to redeem myself. It was nearly a sold out house. Literally the scene changed from ying to yang. In my experience the bigger the crowd the easier the laughs after all laughter is contagious as so was I. Cough. I was slated for the 2nd spot then 3rd now I was pushed back to 5th. That's ok, the crowd will be that much more intoxicated. My boss walked in and decided he would take a turn at the mic. He is great but also very very insane in the head. He made them laugh and cringe with his brutal unadulterated vulgarity. He spoke of eating pussy, blowjobs, and salad tossings. How in God's name am I going to follow that act I thought. That's like trying to watch Sesame Street after Debbie Does Dallas. My good friend and mentor saw that I was visibly nervous and gave me a little pep talk. I went up their and as he said, "Ride the wave", I caught a good wave to start and it pretty much carried me all the way to shore, almost. I should have ended with my testicle joke, instead I ended on a weaker joke. No matter it was a solid set and I felt good about it. Now I know for the next time, when it doubt, end with a ball joke.

I didn't get home until 1:21am last night, another crazy adventure in the city ended and I was off to meet Mr. Sandman.

Until next time - Cough...zzzzz...zzz.zzzzz

Danger Filled Dreams

It's been a few days since my last post, a few hard days I must say. First off let me acknowledge a great comedian and person who passed away this week, Rodney Dangerfield. He was a great talent that selflessly helped many comedian's careers take off. He inspired me as a kid with comedies like Cadyshack and Back to School. Rodney you will be missed and never forgotten.

WORKING 9-4:30
As I write this blog I am at my day job. The cold corporate world of concrete and glass. I can not write more than three words without the phone ringing or a yuppie asking me for something menial. Hold on....Sorry. Anyway very appropriately the song on the radio is Hang on Snoopy. That is exactly my sentiment this morning. Yesterday I called out sick (again) and my boss calls me up to discuss my serial absences. We stayed on the phone for 20 minutes while I explained that I am no longer in full control of my job because my co-worker, let's call her Nazi Lady, is keeping me from doing my job. We ended on a good note agreeing I won't be taken to much off anymore. That served to keep the lions at bay a little longer while I figure a way out of this situation called my day job. I just want out, but until I can supplement my income with something else I shall be a slave to the system. Hold on......Sorry.

LAST TUESDAY'S LIVE TAPING
This Tuesday that just past was a hoot. The club partner of the place we film our T.V. show at decided to book another show before us in true I don't give a fuck about anything but money fashion. It was some fundraiser for some disease. Anyway, The big club owner (who won a divorce settlement from a poor bastard that lost all his clubs across the country to her) was their with her fat cat husband. This cat, as I shall refer to him, decided he wanted to complain about our set being in the way and that he wanted we take it down. Apparently he thinks this will give him the appearance of being a big important guy, the only thing this accomplishes is that he is big and probably with small penis. After much conflict in the midst of our rehearsal he must have become dehydrated and headed straight for the bar. We were in turned exiled to the smaller upstairs room. Like yuppies, rich fat cats love to throw their so-called power around. It amazes me how petty people can be. We made due though and although we had to start 30 min late - we did.
This week we had a Psychic medium, as supposed to a Psychic well done. We also had a very funny comic that always reminds me of a dear friend that passed away about a year ago, so watching him is entertaining yet sadly depressing simultaneously. Our musical guest this week is to be filmed today so I nor the audience enjoyed that. A combination of a video interview and the Psychic in my opinion bought the shows energy to low. As a result the rest of the show lacked that high vibe we have been producing. It wasn't a horrible show but not a better show as we always aspire to top ourselves. In any case it taught as a few valuable lessons on guest placement and preparation. The early altercation didn't help us either but non the less I'm proud of that show.

I was invited to the Copacobanna to see ANDY ANDY perform however I'm stuck here at work with little time to prep and primp for the night's events and have decided to stay in. Working 7 days a week has an effect on my social and sleeping habits. I really need to get out of this yuppie hell with Nazi Lady. I'm very fond of Nazi Lady as a person but as a co-worker I am as fond of her as I am a used stomach pump.

THIS WEEKEND
it promises to be a busy one as usual. All day filming on saturday and production meetings and the comedy show on Sunday. I can't wait.

Until the next time we meet - Hit a Yuppie :)

Stuck in Yuppie Paradise

THE ART OF STUPIDITY
I haven't mentioned the fact that I work as a receptionist/meeting planner for a major telecommunications company in NJ. Inside a big corporate building that from the outside looks like a mountain of tainted glass with an endless parking lot filled with a sea of cars. I am the first and often last line of defense in a world of social hierarchy and artificial personalities. That special breed of people who value name plates and office space more than their fellow human being. People who spend a better part of their lives kissing corporate ass while extending their own rump for a smooch from the lower ranks. Somewhere along the line they were taught that their individual needs outweigh everyone else's because they were given the title of director or V.P. Its a shame they don't realize they really don't serve any other purpose or power beside the fact that they are blindly making their leaders richer. In the end they shall simply be replaced and replicated with someone else that has already been trained to be a monkey and is a carbon copy of themselves. I do understand their need to provide for their families financially but does that mean they must sacrifice their very souls to eventually become slave robots only living for the weekends.

I especially enjoy those big fake smiles and sarcastic attitudes when they become "upset". How quickly they turn on you or how fast they crumble when a nerve is touched. I must walk on egg shells to appease all these princes and princesses, if not they will do me quite a disservice that is most frightening, like child who's favorite toy has just been snatched away they will cry and pout to their superiors. I in turn might suffer a worse fate than lashings, they may decide to violently print out a form and force my signature to admit my deviance. Oh the horror.

Of course like any subculture their do exist good caring people. Everything has its good and evil after all. For example on the other side of the coin we have those unique creatures who never bothered with educating themselves and believe the world is on pause until they walk into a room. They aren't aware of their ignorance, in fact they revel in the belief they already understand all their is to understand. These are called "Temps", I admit most come from less than opportunistic backgrounds, however I always believed it is up to the individual to better themselves but how can you accomplish this if you aren't even aware that you can in the first place. These poor souls aren't even capable of expressing themselves or communicating with anything other than ebonics thus automatically sentencing them to the lower class. Like sheep they are all herded up and mass trained to become good little animals of the system. Even though they are led to believe they were special enough to land such a job, that the American dream has been reached. They do not work for the company but are simply temporarily hired for cheap labor. They are the ones that are chosen to work on late nights and on weekends for just enough pay to keep them seated. It is the modern sweatshop. When all is said and done these sheep are efficiently sent to the slaughter house and deleted to make room for the next batch.

I do not mean to be so bitter as I am more frustrated that we seem to have a generation of people who are lost. We do not value the quality or importance of our work, our morals, but worse ourselves. We are allowing the disintegration of our identities by giving into the status quo because it is less of a hassle than fighting for our rights. Well I refuse to give into the system and that is why I stand firm and try to educate my fellow human beings even if it means sacrificing the easier things in life. I am no saint, far from it nor am I fully educated or have all the answers. What I do have, I will always share for the greater good and for the sake of truth. What I do not know I will always seek out. Learning is a lifetime. I may be a comedian but I am also a citizen of the world and know that my contribution consists of more than jokes.

My hope is that these words inspire someone out their to turn off the Television run outside and discover the world that has always been their. The real world.

Until Next Time - Learn something New.